Heartbreaking News

First of all, I am shocked that I have not updated my blog in a year! But then when I think about the whirlwind that was this past year, I'm really not all that surprised! I promise to better in this next year and will post another update shortly.

As many of you may know, Dan and I received some unexpected news last Friday and have been wrestling with a very big decision. Our Adoption Agency called to say that Kate's biological mom had another baby and they were offering her to us should we choose. Needless to say our emotions were all over the place.  I think our initial gut feeling was, well of course we have to take her. How could we not?  We requested her file and began immediately trying to figure out how we could make this happen. After all, I have always wanted 4 children (Will, if you are reading this, I just kind of figured you were it!) 

As the weekend went on and we talked and talked and talked about it, we started to think about the bigger picture and cost associated with this.  I don't want to say, "if we were millionaires" because it sounds cliché, and you don't have to be millionaires to adopt. But you do have to have a plan and be in a certain financial position. We are not currently and did not have a plan in place! 3 years ago, we did. We knew what was going to be involved in getting Kate home and even with that we had surprises, delays and heartache. The emotional strain was almost unbearable. BUT, was it worth it, yes!  We love her more than anyone could imagine. She is a blessing to us and a true gift from God. When people ask me anymore why I adopted instead of just having another baby, I say "because my daughter was in Korea".

Because she is my daughter, I of course want to give her everything life has to offer. How could I even consider not giving her this gift of a biological sister to grow up with.

With all of the above going thru my head, something just didn't feel right and continued to nag at me. I was worried about getting the money, doing fundraising, redoing our home study and all the paperwork involved. Finding the time for it all while working full-time again.  Would we have the time and money to continue to travel with Jake's hockey team? Would Kate be able to start dance and preschool as planned?  I promised Madeline I would be room mom for her last year of elementary school and then not to mention how she would likely need me when going to middle school (you need like 15 parents on their game for middle school, right)?!  And then what if the baby didn't adjust as well as Kate or grieved in a different way.  It all started to seem so crazy and no matter how I kept trying to rationalize it,  it didn't seem fair to anyone most of all the baby.

I wanted her to have a family who was as prepared and ready for her as we were with Kate.  She deserves that.  We were months most likely from being able to accept her officially with all of the things we had to redo which would delay her traveling home even more.

There just seemed to be no right or wrong answer. I spent the weekend feeling sick to my stomach. I have wonderful friends both in and out of the adoptive community who just listened to me talk it out. Thank you so much to you guys for hanging out with me all weekend and listening. 

On Monday, feeling that this just wasn't in God's plan for us right now, we prepared to tell the agency we couldn't accept her. I felt like 2 days just wasn't enough time to make this kind of decision, yet at the same time I did not want to delay her one more day of coming home to her forever family. My phone rang and it was my local social worker. She said she was calling to check on us. She proceeded to tell us that she had a family in mind here in the Kansas City area that would love to adopt her.. She said she would work immediately on getting the families together assuming it was what both parties wanted.  As soon as she said this, it felt right.

Last night we sent our official letter declining her. I think it may have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But yet once I did it, I felt at peace. There is probably a family right her in KC getting that call today. I hope that sweet pic hits their inbox and they feel all the joy and excitement we did when we got Kate's picture. 

I have so many hopes for the future right now. I hope I continue to feel at peace with me decision. I hope "Baby D" finds her forever family very soon. I hope they reach out to us as requested and that we are able to watch them go thru the process and share in their excitement. I hope Kate will someday know her biological sister and have a wonderful relationship.  I hope that her biological mother finds her way in life and it brings her happiness. And lastly, I hope Kate continues to thrive and our family continues to be as blessed as we have always been.  Because we are definitely, BLESSED!

We are a family of 5!

Well as hard as it is to believe 4 weeks ago today we arrived home with Kate! It's so hard to believe. It seemed like for so long time just dragged on and we were in a constant state of wait. Now in a blink of an eye it's been a month! What can I say, she has been amazing! We knew we would love her no matter what, but we had prepared for grieving, sadness, anger and overall tough times. We have instead had a happy go lucky little girl that has fit right in with everyone. Dan and I look at each other at times and say, "Can you believe she's doing this well?" For the longest time, I kept saying, it's coming and the ball is going to drop soon, but it hasn't yet.  I suppose we could be in a honeymoon period and we remained prepared for anything, but in the meantime we will just continue to enjoy this wonderful little girl who has blessed our life!

It was my intent to stay in and bond with her before taking her out in public, but then a couple things happened. She was adjusting so well that we decided just to try to take her out once and then before we knew it she was going everywhere! And .. I have 2 other kids so the reality of staying home in the middle of summer was just not happening.

She has slept very well from the beginning. Since about day 10 we are on a consistant 9-10 bedtime to 7-8 wake-up. Napping about 2-3 hours in the afternoon. She will nap anywhere even on Grandma's floor while the big kids swim!

She prefers to have someone laying with her which is not a problem in our house. And as you can see, still having no part of the crib!

This is the doll we gave her the first day at our house. She loves to strip all of her clothes off. So now along with all the other baby dolls in our house .. she is naked!

Eating all kinds of new foods and snacks.

LOVES ICE CREAM OF ANY KIND!!

And is very independent .. insists on feeding herself and using utensils for everything even if it's finger food.

Was not so crazy about the Japanese Steakhouse!

Meeting lot's of family this past month and loving them all!

She has been on several playdates and is making lot's of new friends.

Kate's love's to be in the water .. whether it be a bath or the pool!

She is a great helper!

She loves to play too!

But more than anything .. she loves her big brother and sister! And we have had some shoving, hitting and biting so they are already acting like siblings. But seriously I think this behavior was typical given the language barrier and we are already seeing so much move sharing and loving!

Well, that is what we have been doing for the past month!

Loving that we finally have her home with us. So worth the wait!

We have our Little Seoul!

Well a lot has happened since my last update.  On Wed, June 27 we were told it could be an additional 2-3 weeks as the social worker who coordinates the visits was going to be out of the office. Obviously very discouraged by this news so we requested additional information from Korea as to what was going on. We were told a request had been made specifically about case and we would hear on Thursday.  On Thursday, I saw where a couple people called DC and had VI's scheduled. So I just happened to call and the woman said, "oh what a cutie she is". I said, "you can see her?" She then said yes, and it is my privilege to say her VI is today at 1:00, congratulations!  (which had already happened in Korea).  I was in complete shock, burst into tears, but also very confused .. did this mean with the news I had gotten the day before that I would not travel for 2-3 weeks. 

Well 10 minutes later our Travel Call came.

We were told we had to book travel that day to be able to travel the next week.  This email followed with our information for travel. Love the Subject line!

So I called Azumano and with the late notice the only affordable option was a United Airline's flight leaving on Sunday which gave me 2 days. It would have cost us $1000 per ticket to fly Korean Air as we had hoped. Somehow we manged to get the kids to St. Louis, get packed, clean our house, take our car to the shop, get our dog to my sisters, I saw Magic Mike with friends, and we had a celebratory dinner out with friends on Saturday night.

We left Sunday at 7:45am. Our wonderful friend Karl drove us to the airport bright and early. Our flight went to San Fransisco and then after just a couple hour layover we sent onto Seoul with arrival at 3:45pm Monday. Perfect flight, friendly, as comfortable as coach can be. 2 meals which were good. Read some, slept some .. no complaints.

The Holt driver picked us up and took us to the DMC ville where we had a 1 bedroom suite. It was very comfortable, but in a "residential area" and I felt there was not a lot to do right around there. We got coffee at the coffee shop across the street, but it did not open until 7:30. We also ate a couple of times in the restaurant above the 7 eleven next the hotel. Breakfast was included which was nice. They had toast, cereal, juice, coffee, and fruit.

The following day was our city tour and on Wed we went on a tour of the DMZ. I will post pics of these 2 days in a separate blog as there are tons of pics. I definitely recommend the city tour (which for Holt is included) and done by a local college student who in both of my visits were wonderful girls who I have remained in contact with.  Also would recommend the DMZ tour if time allows. We did the half day tour with lunch. Lunch both days was traditional Korean BBQ at authentic restaurants chosen by our guides.

I must admit that we did not get much sleep Wed night in anticipation of getting our daughter on Thursday morning. We both got up about 5:00 and just got the room ready to bring her "home". We ate breakfast and took a cab to Holt which was about 15 minutes away. Our appointment was at 9:30.  When I walked into Holt, I first saw her FM sitting outside the doctors office on the first floor. I walked up to her and Kate came out of the office with her doctor. She immediately came up to me and I picked her up.  Her doctor took Dan, myself, Kate and her FM up to the 3rd floor where we were to have our visit. Our visit lasted an hour and was basically a question/answer session with the FM. While we chatted, Kate played and sat on our laps. We got our documents and everything that we had sent in care packages as well as other clothing and favorite toys. I was overwhelmed by the gifts from both Holt and the Foster Family. 

After this, we had our pre-flight physical. We were given our "blue bag" with diapers, bottles and formula and our sealed envelope with our visa documents.

We are now ready to go. DJ got us a cab and we were off. The FM was very professional and said "I'm not going to cry today, I will save that for later" She kissed Kate on the cheek and we were in the cab! I was thankful the FM was so together and that Kate felt so comfortable with me. It made this transition so pain free. She got very sleepy in the cab and eventually fell asleep.

 

When we got back to our hotel she woke up when we got inside and went right up to the toys I had put out for her. We sat on the floor and played for a couple of hours. We also had Pororo on TV. She was so comfortable and never acted scared or sad at all. It had me feeling very uneasy as I was constantly worrying when the other shoe was going to drop!

We got so stir crazy in the room and she was doing so well that we eventually visited the playroom at the basement of the hotel. She loved the ball pit.  We had planned on ordering pizza in, but decided to eat at the restaurant nearby. She sat in a highchair and ate very well.

Evening came and I got very anxious because I know this can be a challenging time as many children grieve hard the first night. She had not had a nap so I knew she was very tired. They said she still takes a formula bottle before bed so we got our PJ's on and she took a bottle. She was asleep in 20 seconds at 7:00pm. I carried her in and laid her in our bed next to me. She slept until 8:45 and woke up fussy so I rubbed her back. Dan was in the living room and when he came in she reached up for him. He took her in and laid on the living room floor with her and they watched TV until about 10. She then fell back asleep and slept next to him until 8:00 am. She woke up happy!

Well we are now up to the day we fly out. The Holt driver was going to pick us up at 1:00. We basically hung out packed, played and ate until time to go. Again, my anxiety was high because of the long flight home.  She had been so good so far, but I just knew the flight would be so hard even for the best of babies.

Here we go!

What can I say about the flight?! It was long, uncomfortable, cramped and somehow, by some miracle she was perfect the entire way! We flew United and our international flight was great, friendly and good as can be expected for coach. Once into the states for our 2 connections, there were delays, weather, missed our connection in Denver, had to run, got on a puddle jumper, were not seated together, ran out of fuel, sat on a runway for 4 hours before takeoff!  All because of mechanical difficulties leaving San Fran. You name it we had it!

But what we did not have was a cranky baby! She was a little trooper. Sat on my lap the entire time except for maybe a short time Dan took her for a little walk around the plane. She slept most of the trip, but when she was awake she snacked and just sat quietly.

We made it home 3 hours later than promised to our friends and family waiting at the airport. And yet again, she handled it all wonderfully!

But I have to say the best part of coming home (at 3:00 am) exhausted and scared out of mind at what was to come was getting everyone settle down. Madeline and Jake insisted on sleeping on her floor with her since this is how she slept in Korea. I held her until she fell asleep and laid her on the floor on her back. Since it was 108 in Kansas, the room was so hot so I went to get a fan.  When, I came back into the room this is what I found.

Life is Perfect!