First of all, I am shocked that I have not updated my blog in a year! But then when I think about the whirlwind that was this past year, I'm really not all that surprised! I promise to better in this next year and will post another update shortly.
As many of you may know, Dan and I received some unexpected news last Friday and have been wrestling with a very big decision. Our Adoption Agency called to say that Kate's biological mom had another baby and they were offering her to us should we choose. Needless to say our emotions were all over the place. I think our initial gut feeling was, well of course we have to take her. How could we not? We requested her file and began immediately trying to figure out how we could make this happen. After all, I have always wanted 4 children (Will, if you are reading this, I just kind of figured you were it!)
As the weekend went on and we talked and talked and talked about it, we started to think about the bigger picture and cost associated with this. I don't want to say, "if we were millionaires" because it sounds cliché, and you don't have to be millionaires to adopt. But you do have to have a plan and be in a certain financial position. We are not currently and did not have a plan in place! 3 years ago, we did. We knew what was going to be involved in getting Kate home and even with that we had surprises, delays and heartache. The emotional strain was almost unbearable. BUT, was it worth it, yes! We love her more than anyone could imagine. She is a blessing to us and a true gift from God. When people ask me anymore why I adopted instead of just having another baby, I say "because my daughter was in Korea".
Because she is my daughter, I of course want to give her everything life has to offer. How could I even consider not giving her this gift of a biological sister to grow up with.
With all of the above going thru my head, something just didn't feel right and continued to nag at me. I was worried about getting the money, doing fundraising, redoing our home study and all the paperwork involved. Finding the time for it all while working full-time again. Would we have the time and money to continue to travel with Jake's hockey team? Would Kate be able to start dance and preschool as planned? I promised Madeline I would be room mom for her last year of elementary school and then not to mention how she would likely need me when going to middle school (you need like 15 parents on their game for middle school, right)?! And then what if the baby didn't adjust as well as Kate or grieved in a different way. It all started to seem so crazy and no matter how I kept trying to rationalize it, it didn't seem fair to anyone most of all the baby.
I wanted her to have a family who was as prepared and ready for her as we were with Kate. She deserves that. We were months most likely from being able to accept her officially with all of the things we had to redo which would delay her traveling home even more.
There just seemed to be no right or wrong answer. I spent the weekend feeling sick to my stomach. I have wonderful friends both in and out of the adoptive community who just listened to me talk it out. Thank you so much to you guys for hanging out with me all weekend and listening.
On Monday, feeling that this just wasn't in God's plan for us right now, we prepared to tell the agency we couldn't accept her. I felt like 2 days just wasn't enough time to make this kind of decision, yet at the same time I did not want to delay her one more day of coming home to her forever family. My phone rang and it was my local social worker. She said she was calling to check on us. She proceeded to tell us that she had a family in mind here in the Kansas City area that would love to adopt her.. She said she would work immediately on getting the families together assuming it was what both parties wanted. As soon as she said this, it felt right.
Last night we sent our official letter declining her. I think it may have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But yet once I did it, I felt at peace. There is probably a family right her in KC getting that call today. I hope that sweet pic hits their inbox and they feel all the joy and excitement we did when we got Kate's picture.
I have so many hopes for the future right now. I hope I continue to feel at peace with me decision. I hope "Baby D" finds her forever family very soon. I hope they reach out to us as requested and that we are able to watch them go thru the process and share in their excitement. I hope Kate will someday know her biological sister and have a wonderful relationship. I hope that her biological mother finds her way in life and it brings her happiness. And lastly, I hope Kate continues to thrive and our family continues to be as blessed as we have always been. Because we are definitely, BLESSED!
No comments:
Post a Comment